This episode...I don't know. On the one hand, it mostly focuses on Ares whom I can just barely tolerate at the best of times. On the other, it's a really silly episode and Xena and Gabrielle spend it in incredibly shameless milk maid outifts. There's also the matter of Gabs polka dot bra. But if I can get through that shitty Heart of Darkness, this should be a cakewalk. It took me a while to get this up because at first I wasn't sure if I should break it up in half, it's not very long as it is. Secondly, all the screencaps I took were of Gabrielle in her stupid sexy outfit. I made myself go back and get ones that weren't just stupid sexy Gabrielle. So enjoy!


It opens on a quaint village that looks suspiciously like every quaint village in this show. Xena and Gabrielle are wandering through the town's seedy biker bar, greasy men sponging ale up like there's no tomorrow. Gabs is uncomfortable, but Xena's confident the food won't contain rat feces. As they pass by a table on their way to the bar, the men gathered around it whisper to themselves then bust out laughing, clapping their hands on each other's shoulders. Xena just can't let a single meal go by without attracting attention to herself, heading back towards the table.

Gabrielle watches in annoyance as Xena sneers at the men, pointing out they're all from different biker gangs. Xena proves once again that regardless of where she is or how many years she's slept away, this bitch knows everyone. She lamely asks if there's a scumbag convention in town, and I lose the fight against not rolling my eyes. The bearded man at the forefront refuses to tell her why they've gathered, so she uses the pinch of him. Okay, I recognize the fact they're all a bunch of dirtbags, but christ Xena. They're just chilling and having a drink. Gabrielle angrily sets her drink down. Every time they enter a tavern, Xena just has to fucking start shit.


Then all the assholes in the building attack her, and Gabrielle shakes her head and joins the fray as well. It doesn't take them too long to dispatch the morons, but look at Gabrielle go! Anyway, Xena grabs the man she put the pinch on and demand to know what's going on. He tells them all the warlords from several different regions have put on a price on his head, Ares the God of war. The ones he double crossed while he was still godly want their revenge now he's mortal. More power to them.

Ares struts down a path...somewhere, just to be confronted by a lone 'warrior'. Before he can pull his sword out, Xena and Gabrielle come out of fucking no where to stand beside him. Xena does uses her best intimidation tactics to scare the moron off and against my will I laugh. Damn this silly episode! Ares seems almost unconcerned the two practically materialized out of thin air, asking what brings them by. Xena explains everybody knows he's mortal and he's got a bounty on his head. They suggest he go undercover. Ares snorts, having already given thought to a new identity: an asshole king, asshole priest, an asshole.

But Xena says those are stupid ideas, he has to be someone no one would expect him to be. Like what, he asks. Xena leans forward and says "How are you at shoveling s***?" They actually bleep the word, holy god that's hilarious! Why have I never sat down and actually watched this whole episode before? Xena and Gabrielle are giving him their goofiest grins and there's a banjo twang in the background. Oh god, I think I just giggled. Cue opening.


Xena and Gabrielle follow Ares, trying to bring him around to the idea of being a farmer. He'd rather join up with Xena and slaughter all the men after him, but concedes there might be a few too many for them to handle. Gabrielle brings up if he can pull it off he can go and do as he pleases afterward. He starts to get into it, thinking of crops and slaves and a half dozen flute playing girls. Xena tells Gabrielle "That's what I was thinking." Stop it, you guys. I'm stubborn, I don't want to enjoy an episode with Ares.

The trio, Xena on Argo and Ares and Gabs on a wagon, ride up to a run down hovel. Going by the fact that Xena refuses to wipe the toothy grin off her face, we can assume this is her old home. Gabrielle thinks it's pretty, but Ares is like what a shitty place. Xena starts pointing out the post she carved her name on, or the chair her grandmother sat in. Ares sneers at her, but the two women won't stop smiling. It's a nice change after the all that doom and gloom from the trilogy.

Inside, the place actually manages to look worse. Every attempt they make to straighten something up goes awry, but their spirits refuse to drop. Ares turns his nose up at the idea of trying to make a living in this shit hole, but Gabrielle assures him a little elbow grease will go a long way. Then she breaks a table. And Xena breaks a door. She pops her head through and drags Gabrielle to check the stove out. I'm laughing again. This is horrible.

Meanwhile, the dipshit that Xena terrified away from Ares earlier has gathered women around him as he tells the tale of slaughtering Ares. A bigger man grabs him and tosses him into the bar, knowing he never laid a hand on the former god. He asks where the idiot spotted him, and he shakily gives directions before pissing his pants. He also mentions the two ladies he has with him, not that this frightens the bigger guy. He tells his buddy to gather the rest of their men.

Back at the farm, Ares is hard at work getting drunk on the porch shirtless. Xena and Gabrielle have donned their shameless milk maid outfits, though I bet even a real milk maid would at least let her skirt cover her knees. He hides the rags he was supposed to bring in, so the other two come out ready to work on something else. He whines and bitches at them, common labor for the common men, not for his totally godly hands. Xena grabs him by his ear and then whips him with her dishrag. What the fuck am I watching?


While Gabrielle obsesses over the location of her saw, Xena gets Ares to hand him boards while she plugs the ceiling. Ares notices Xena's ridiculous outfit and wants to plug her, if you know what I mean. They snipe at each other, until Ares decides he'd rather do the demeaning shit she wanted him to do with the rags earlier. Except they're gone. And one of Gabrielle's boots are missing too. Ares breaks out in a sweat when he notices his wineskin has vanished. Xena states the obvious, that something is out there.

A woman interrupts Xena before she can conclude her place is haunted and Gabrielle gets possessed to introduce herself. What the hell is this place that makes the women dress like slutty milk maids? As she informs them a warlord and his army are making their way here, Ares takes an obvious interest in her. She makes a bizarre and unfunny rape joke, then gets right down to business: flirting with the half naked man living with two women. She's alone, widowed, 'scared' and lives just over the hillrise. Wow. Xena and Gabrielle exchange amused looks.

After Greba leaves, Xena abandons Ares to Gabrielle's care to run off and confront the bad guy. For some reason, he only bitches at her but obeys. Now his belt is gone. How convenient. She makes her way into the warlord Gaskar's tent, and warrior princess sneers she's gonna give him Ares' head. Oh how I wish.

Gaskar circles around her, asking why she didn't just end him when she was ending the Olympian gods. Why, because he ran like a little baby. He decides since Ares is mortal, any of them should be able to take him and declines her help. So she plays it off, hinting maybe the asshole hasn't lost his powers and she's the only one that can kill gods. Which makes me wonder just how every one she comes across knows this. Seems like the sort of thing you might wanna keep close to your chest. Anyway, she tells Gaskar she knows where to find Ares as she plunges a dagger down into his map.

Back at the farm, Gabs and Ares chill in front of a fire. She says it was pretty nice of him to give his powers up to save her and that one chick that's disappeared. He smarms, because losing Eve Xena would have lost her power to kill gods and errbody woulda died. Gabrielle was an afterthought. Man, why doesn't he just kill her? Isn't she essentially the one thing standing between him and Xena? Sure, Xena might flay his skin off while he's still alive, but he could make it look like an accident oh god what the fuck am I thinking!?

Gabrielle adorably crinkles her nose in response, all 'gee, thanks asshole'. You want to know the one thing that bothers me about Gabrielle (as far as her looks go anyway)? Sometimes when she does her cute and doofy smiles, I see fucking Stephanie from Full House. I haven't seen that show since I was a kid, but the comparison won't leave me alone!


Xena returns, totes happy the fireplace is cleared out. Gabrielle narrows her eyes and says Ares did most of the work. He stays true to his asshole nature and tells Xena she just doesn't want to admit she failed at getting him to do anything. Xena ignores them, happily reflecting on how she and her brothers used to tell ghost stories by the fire. I ask this because I honestly don't know, but what the hell happened to the brother that's not Lyceus? I don't remember him ever showing up or his fate mentioned.

Ares barges into her private reflection to snottily tell her the thief is still stealing all his shit. Gabrielle thinks maybe it's a ghost, but Ares rolls his eyes while Xena chuckles to herself. What the fuck, Xena? There was an episode fucking titled The Haunting of Amphipolis just this season. You saw ghosts!

Except I guess she's chuckling because the three of them are actually starting a farm together. I know, who woulda thunk it? Xena and Gabrielle both grew up on farms, ignoring Ares' gibes that the peasant life is a waste. Then it starts to rain, and of course the roof leaks like no one's business. They find that Xena's old room is the only dry place left. And it has just one bed. Obviously.

Ares takes the middle with the two ladies on eit...look at those Victoria Secret bras they have! Didn't women just bind their breasts or some shit? And whatever happened to sleeping in bed fully clothed and armed, Gabrielle? Ares tosses and turns, bringing him face to nose with Xena. She wakes and realizes it's not Gabs Ares, and snarls at him to back right the fuck off. Gabrielle is having no problem sleeping, rolling over, her hand hitting dangerously close to his Danger Zone. Ares is very uncomfortable with this, because Xena's gonna murder his shit. Xena, wide eyed in lunacy, pushes Gabrielle's hand away. Ares hates his life.


The next morning, Ares wakes to hear Xena flipping her shit outside, threatening death and mayhem on whomever stole her breastplate. Ares concludes because there are drag marks, it's probably not a ghost. They follow the tracks into the field, finding all their missing gear buried. Ares hears growling coming from a dead hollow log, telling them there's a goddamn wolf hiding in it. Except it's a dog, something of which Ares knows nothing about. Really? He's lived for centuries, walked the earth on his choosing and has never seen a dog?

It runs out of the log and jumps Ares, drooling all over his face and neck. Xena and Gabrielle fall in love with it because you know how women are with smelly animals, eh fellows, am I right? Sigh. Shit, now Ares knows they'll never get rid of the dog. Gabrielle's all well fuck you it's my new friend. He wonders aloud if there's anything they actually agree on. She looks at Xena, and he's just oh, right. The two ladies head off to town, leaving Ares behind to fix the roof. And he actually does it. The dog hops around at the bottom of the ladder, clearly miffed it can't slobber all over the one person there that hates it. Ares busies himself, until he hears Greba call for him. She must have seen Xena and Gabrielle leave, put on her push-up bra, mussed her hair and got ready for some heavy unsubtle flirting.

She giggles when she spots the dog, because women you know, and Ares flexes his pecs while she twirls her finger in her hair. Oh she used to have a dog when her husband was alive, but he died in a war and the dog was run over by the funeral wagon and isn't war awful and why can't people be like animals and not do that stupid war thing and blah de blah shut up. Ares tires of it to, mentioning a long walk and some heavy petting, wink wink, but then she goes and fucks the entire mood up. She asks if the other two won't mind, you know, his daughters. Oh my god, I am laughing so fucking hard right now. This is the best episode ever.


The stupid banjo music twangs to a halt, and he does his best to not strangle her as he claims they're his slave girls. Then Greba just makes it worse, what with him being an older man, in great shape mind you, sophisticated and the little grey patch of hair doesn't really bother her. Ares laughs, maniacally, then retreats back up the ladder to cry to himself. And yet I still just can't feel sorry for him. Then the roof collapses under him...nope, still nothing.

Xena returns a short while later, to find Ares lying under the remains of the roof, lamenting his immortality and old man hair as the dog molests his face. She dusts him off and drags him outside, grinning ear to ear as Gabrielle rides up with the wagon. With her she's got some chickens, a pig and a cow, the makings of a really poor farm. But she looks so proud of herself, and if anyone can pull this shit off it's her and Xena.

Inside, Xena gets cooking while Ares stares at the needy dog in his lap. Gabrielle suggests he pet the stupid thing, and begrudgingly he pats it's head a few times. Xena then sends him out to kill one of their precious chickens for dinner. Seriously, guys? If you were just gonna eat it buy one that's already dead and plucked, a live chicken is waaaay more valuable when you're starting a farm. I figured two farmer daugters would know this shit.

Ares gets pants-tightening excited at the thought of killing something. He literally runs outside, swinging his sword around like he's about to do battle with a demon chicken instead. He opens the fence and makes a huge fool of himself by missing. Gabrielle wonders if he'll ever make it as a farmer, but Xena's pretty confident he'll somehow pull it off. Then afterwards the two of them will be long gone. Gabrielle just giggles and smiles to herself. Xena gets that look in her eye when strangers at a tavern laugh at her. Gabrielle knows Xena wants to help the stupid man outside, but she's really there to relive her better days when she was a child. Xena's all oh yeah?, and Gabrielle saunters up to her. They look like they're gonna spontaneously start making out right then and there. Xena breaks eye contact, because duh, Ares would probably want to watch or some weird shit. She acknowledges Gabrielle might have a point. It was nice and safe, and everyone and their mom wasn't trying to kill her yet. They sorta laugh and smile together, the sexual tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.


Ares starts screaming outside, reminding them they'll have to wait until that oaf isn't around to ruin the fun. The two look out the window, laughing their asses off as he stumbles and jumps around trying to catch the chickens. That fucking twangy music is driving me insane. The chickens go Legend of Zelda on him, and he rolls over in the dirt in defeat as the dog dry humps his face again. Xena calls out her plan for Gaskar is working, right as his men ride over the opposite hill. Well, at least it got that music to stop.

The men stop outside the farmhouse and demand they come out. Gabrielle helps Xena into her armor as she explains no one out there knows what he looks like, so he needs to play a convincing farmer and tell the men Ares passed by several days ago. Then she runs to the back to hide. Gabrielle tries to shove him out the door, but he panics and demands a moment to get his motivation. He asks her to stall, and she thinks. The obvious stalling tactic of nubile women everywhere: she musses her hair, pulls her shirt open and stumbles into the doorway. Ares and I both approve.


The leader of the search party grins like a jackass, along with his men. He asks if she's seen Ares, and she goes for slutty farmgirl accent, oh lordy it's adorable. Then Ares makes his debut in the most awesome outfit ever, yelling at her in his own redneck way to git back inside. This is simply amazing. He screams at the band leader, so the guy kicks him in the face and threatens to kill him. So Xena has to intervene, claiming it can't be Ares because the former god is way younger. She hauls him up by his neck as the jackass gets excited, wanting to see her put the pinch on him. Ares is practically making puppy dog eyes at her.

But the guy keeps waiting, so she just goes for it. The dog, seeing his new mate go down runs up and bites Xena's ass. Did I actually just type that? The men get a good laugh out of it, along with the pig, and a chicken... I'm really typing this shit out, aren't I? Pride wounded, she demands to know if he's seen Ares. He gurgles out he passed by and headed for some pass and the men take off.


Xena glares down at him, but finally releases the pinch and she leaves on Argo. Gabrielle runs out and berates him for playing the angry farmer, but he gives as good as he gets for her slutty farmgirl routine. Xena interrupts their usual squabbling to congratulate him for ridding them of the warlords. Then she throws her chakram at the dog. Ares' dog, he's quick to claim. The only one to stick up for him, so he names him Horace and they go to pretend either are capable of killing chickens.

Later, Xena is milking the cow while Gabrielle pets the calf and discusses the best ways to milk. Ares, lounging in the hay surrounded by stupid animals, just laughs at the two warrior women. Yeah, wait until they leave and you have to take care of all this shit by yourself. They hear a man calling outside the barn, and Horace flees. An oddly dressed man comes in, wondering if they've seen his lost dog. Ares lies and says of course not, dogs are useless. The dog barks outside, and the man practically creams his shorts, running after Horace. Xena just pats a crestfallen Ares on the shoulder.

At some unspecified point in time, the man, a traveling salesman, is attempting to sell supplies to people. But Gaskar and his men start accosting him. They see Horace not!Horace sitting in his wagon chewing on one of Ares' gauntlets, which the warlord recognizes. The man points them back to the same farm. Uh oh!

Back at the farm, the three are searching for Ares' gauntlet as he defends his lost friend's actions. Greba returns, and Ares forgets his past transgressions with her to pose and flex a bit. She babbles on about Gaskar heading straight for their farm because he somehow heard Ares might be hiding there isn't that silly people are so weird you know and also there's th- Xena tells her to go away.

Gaskar chills in his tent eating, and what the hell is with that bust of a bald man on his table? Does he kiss it at night when he's alone? Why is that my first thought? Xena comes striding in, telling him he's headed the wrong way. But he just tosses Ares' gauntlet before her, knowing she lied about the man at the farm. Well that's a change, a warlord that isn't a complete moron. He wants to know why she's hiding him and Gabrielle chooses that moment to barge in.

Xena's fallen in love with Ares and is just gonna drop her she was like worth nothing. So a lover's spat, then. This show is so lesbian. Gabrielle tells Gaskar Ares is headed towards some place I'll never be able to spell, then Xena threatens her. So Gabs boob busts her. I have seen her do that so many times on Youtube, it's nice to know what fucking episode it was. Anyways, the two start to physically battle it out. Gabrielle can hardly stop grinning when she's fighting for real, she's looks ready to die laughing now.


They tear the tent up, and Gabrielle breaks the bust, a noble sacrifice to pull the plan off. Gaskar and his men, not wanting to be caught in the lover's quarrel of two warrior women, leave to pursue Ares to whatever that place was. Xena and Gabrielle congratulate each other, the former complimenting her partner's moves. Then they make out.

Ares leans against a post on the porch, sighing and crying over the loss of his new best friend. When he hears barking in the distance, and Horace comes racing into his arms and they slobber all over each other. The two come riding up, Gabrielle commenting he probably no longer has any need for flute playing ladies. Bestiality jokes! Xena explains they tricked Gaskar into heading for the lair of some 8 headed monster that will wreck their shit, so he should be fine to hang out at the farm undisturbed as long as he needs.

Ares thanks her, but ya know, soon as he manages to kill all the chickens in 13 years he'll probably move on. Xena sidles up, hinting she may come visit if he stays. Well, guess he could give it a try, moving in for a kiss. Xena pinches his cheek, pats him, and hops back on her horse. Ares and Gabrielle wrinkle their noses at each other. Though Gabs has won the war, there are still a few skirmishes to settle.

As they ride away from Xena's old home, she confesses she's learned what basically amounts to 'Home is where the heart is'. Then they smile and start groping each other.

Ares went to the dogs is the tagline. Ha! All in all, I had fun watching this. Expect this to be the only time I say that in reference to an episode with Ares in it.

Anyways, join me next time for the episode Dangerous Prey. I confess, I'm not sure which one this even is. I think it has Varia and Eve, and even though the former wants to kill the latter you can probably still expect sexual tension because this is Xena.

Tags: gab abs, gabrielle, recap, shit shoveling, xena